The Death of the Extended Family

Families are more than a mom, a dad, and 2.4 kids. What we have lost by losing the extended family may never be recovered.

Destruction of the family is something which many of us have claimed (and it is supported by statistics) has been a major contributor to the degradation of our society and has had significant political impact – something that has likely changed the nation’s political direction in such a direction and magnitude that it makes a reset very, very difficult (if not impossible).

It dawned on me that I, and probably many others, have been too limiting on my perception of “family”.

What if by “family”, we are talking about more than just mom and dad?

Periodically, I post things about my past and my associations with my extended family – parents, cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandparents because who I have become is largely a product of what I gained from this group of people. All in all, this represents a cadre of just less than thirty people.

We weren’t the Waltons from the old TV series, all living in the same house, but I was literally a stone’s throw from most of my extended family.

My “family” also included close friends of my parents as well as respected members of our community – our pastor, Sunday School teachers, and the parents of my best friends. When I began dating my girlfriend, who became my wife of 41 years, I added another set of grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins – another large group of family.

Add those to the mix and we are up to around 80 or so people with whom I interacted on a monthly, weekly, or daily basis, most daily.

Imagine a classroom where you are the only student, and you have 80 teachers.

That’s what I had with my extended family.

Now imagine that it is the extended family that has been destroyed.

Imagine a fatherless family – or a child with no mom or dad in the picture and being reared by grandparents alone. Imagine a suburban kid whose parents who both work and the family lives in a city too far away to interact with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. Add to that an addiction to social media – then for the cherry on top, shut down schools for the better part of two years.

Is it any wonder our children are rebelling or are searching for meaning in the most ludicrous of social theories?

With glacial speed, over the past several generations, the extended family and all its perks and benefits has largely given way to a different family structure. The typical American family has evolved from predominantly extended families to a majority of “nuclear families”, consisting of a mother, father and 2.4 children. The next iteration is underway where even the two-parent nuclear model is beginning to erode. In 1970, about 8 million children lived in a single parent household, peaking in 2012 and remaining relatively stable over the past decade, that number is now around 20 million.

What have we lost?

The extended family that once provided each member a meaningful purpose and a role has been forever altered. According to Dennis Stack, one of the founders of a website dedicated to collecting and preserving family lore, “The elders, when they became too old to be providers, naturally assumed the role of teachers to the young. They shared their life lessons, their wisdom, and values. The young gained valuable knowledge to inform and guide them in life. More importantly, children learned what it meant to be part of the family and what their family stands for. The elders benefitted by validating their life and realizing their purpose.”

In addition to the teaching aspect, we have also lost the traditions of the ways families interact, communicate, and define themselves though storytelling and ritual. Even though we have access to ubiquitous technology that allows us to talk to anybody, anywhere and at any time, in a sense, we are far less connected than ever.

The stories that matter, those that contribute to building the family narrative, simply cannot be communicated in a text, tweet, a brief phone call or even an Instagram or Facebook post.

Dr. Marshall Duke and Dr. Robyn Fivush of Emory University studied the impact of extended families and reached an overwhelming conclusion. Their research found that the more children know about their family’s history the stronger their sense of control over their lives became, their levels of self-esteem increased, family engagement and function increased, and they felt a strong “intergenerational self” from knowing and believing they belonged to something bigger than themselves.

After researching this, I feel luckier than ever to have had the experience I had.

All things considered, we have not just lost extended families, we have lost an important part of our American culture, one that we can never get back.

That may be the real downfall of America.