Dateline: Manhattan

Man sought in global crime spree, captured, charged and then disappears.

Soros Backed Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg vows to prosecute man for breaking and entering with animal cruelty and child endangerment charges likely to follow.

If he can find him, that is.

A global crime spree almost came to an end this morning as Alvin Bragg, Manhattan’s District Attorney, announced in a rare pre-breakfast news conference that his office has charged a man whose annual spree of breaking into the homes of people all over the world, eating their food and then disappearing - hundreds of thousands of times in Manhattan alone - has led to an annual global crisis.

This man, identified only as “SC” and wanted by Interpol and other law enforcement agencies around the world, seems to have escaped custody around sunrise this morning. Little is known about the method of his escape, but the two guards who almost prevented Jeffrey Epstein from killing himself say he just disappeared when they had the cameras off and were taking a nap.

This man has been so proficient in plying his one-man crime rampage, NORAD has employed satellite tracking to locate him and, in an effort, to protect the public, every American meteorologist uses both National Weather Service and National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration radar assets trying to warn an unsuspecting public.

But to date, no one has been able to predict his path accurately as he seems to appear in multiple sites over a large geographic area, leading law enforcement to believe he has millions of accomplices – although that has never been proven.

Utilizing a unique mode of transportation involving nine tiny reindeer, this SC, listed his address as “North Pole” in the arrest and charging documents, allegedly lands softly on rooftops of local parents with children, both snug in their beds, and promptly accesses the interior by sliding down chimneys. Due to the use of animals in such a dangerous gambit, Bragg is expected to add nine counts of animal cruelty to the B&E charges.

This “SC” apparently goes by many aliases and has only been spotted once, by the account is considered unreliable as the person seeing him with a bundle of toys on his back (obviously stolen from other unsuspecting Manhattanites), claimed he escaped by “laying his finger aside of his nose, nodding and magically arising up the chimney. Allegedly, SC then sprang into a sleigh, whistled at the reindeer he illegally captured in violation of the Endangered Species Act, and the whole shebang, sleigh, man and all, flew away.”

Police assume the stress and trauma from being surprised in his own home by a “jolly old elf”, caused the man relating this story to relate such an outlandish tale, so investigators dismissed it.

Even knowing the date of the crimes, law enforcement has been completely unable to prevent his silent ingress and parents worldwide have taken to placing milk and cookies – sometimes cakes or other delicacies – on a table near the Christmas tree - to appease him and hopefully prevent further mayhem.

Curiously, even though he breaks into the homes, this man identified as “SC” never appears to take anything except the food, often leaving many gifts for which good children have wished. He seems to know which children have been naughty or nice, leading Bragg to comment, “We suspect this perpetrator may well be a pedophile, because he seems to hang around, watching children all over the world. If proven, this will add a near infinite number of child molestation charges on top of the breaking and entering and animal cruelty charges already pending.”

Bragg says that no matter what it takes, just like he got Donald Trump, he will get SC sooner or later. “The fact he is alleged to shout, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!” - and that he seems to bring cheer to parents and children worldwide - is no excuse for breaking the law.”