A Trip Nobody Wants to Take
When agreement for the sake of agreement leads to places none of us want to go.
School shootings are an example of a horrific occurrence that every non-psychopath in society reviles and opposes. Everyone of us would stop them from happening if we could.
Given that, why haven’t we stopped them?
In attempting to answer that question, I can’t help but think about something the late Jerry B. Harvey, noted professor and management theorist, said. He noted that it isn’t so much that we have problems with management of conflict, it is often that we can’t manage agreement.
Harvey related to that situation in his “The Abilene Paradox”, a parable about a family who was happy doing family things one afternoon, until the father-in-law suggests that they take a 53-mile trip to Abilene for dinner. Everybody agrees to the long, hot, dusty drive and when they get to the cafeteria, the food is as bad as the drive.
Back at home four hours later, they begin to talk about the trip only to find that none of them really wanted to go but agreed to do so because they thought the others wanted to take the trip. They were amazed that not even one person admitted they didn’t want to go while they still had time to enjoy the afternoon by doing what they were already happy doing.
You have probably been part of such a paradox at a family gathering or some group meeting where any large group tries to decide on a group “activity” that everyone will enjoy - when most, if not all, are perfectly happy doing what they are already doing. The members of the group often agree to do “something” none prefer just because they think other members want to do “something”.
I’m sure many have heard the old saying “Silence is acquiescence”, meaning if you don’t speak up, your agreement is assumed.
When you apply Harvey’s “Abilene” example to society, it is easy to see how societal acquiescence, which is often not actual agreement but is just giving in, typically yields less than optimal results and often gives birth to disaster.
I think it is factual to say that we all agree that school shootings are a horrific problem – but what if we have silently agreed to a path that leads to more of those shootings because we just want to get along?
By now, you have likely seen the video of the incident on a New York subway where a man boards a car, sits down close to two women, the women scoot over to give him room, one gets up and moves to another seat, the woman closest to the man attempts to do the same but before she can move, he grabs her by the hair and pulls her back down to the seat.
She begs for someone to help – and nobody in the car even moves.
Later the man gets up and drags her along as she pleads to the other passengers to help. Still, nobody does anything. After several minutes, he finally released her and proceeds to attempt to kick the windows out of the moving car.
Everybody on that subway car silently agreed to do nothing. Had one person moved to help, the entire situation might have changed – but nobody did.
What if school shootings are caused by simple silent acquiescence to social changes pushed by a small, radical minority but that we know are going to produce disaster What if we are silently agreeing with sociopolitical forces that seek to infantilize and isolate adults while simultaneously attempting to force maturity on children who aren’t ready for it?
I would argue that society has been allowed to push far too many situations onto children that should be reserved for a more appropriate stage of maturation. Kids are assaulted with complex concepts that are far beyond their ability to comprehend in any meaningful way, and often presented with little information as to why they should accept what they are being told. It usually boils down to “believe this because we say it is good” but the kids have neither the experience or ability to question or disagree. Their brains are often overloaded with contradictions between what their parents believe and what they are being told at school.
Correspondingly, society has stripped adults of traditional duties, responsibilities, and authority, so much so that adults are often discouraged from correcting the children of other adults, mentioning concerns about the behavior of another’s child, or even disagreeing with a school board.
Even teachers have lost some of that authority – the lack of classroom discipline is often the product of angry parents objecting to discipline of their children because their child “would never do that” or “correcting my child is racist”.
As a result, parents (and teachers) have given over to society in silent agreement. Adults have been told to “mind your own business”, and like the subway example, nobody stepped in to help.
If you accept my premise, it should also come as no surprise that an immature child, one whose aberrant behaviors has been noticed by teachers and other adults and left uncorrected by any other adult, when put into a position of crisis might react with a childish application of adult tools.
When I was a kid, parental roles extended beyond my biological parents.
I’ve often written about the influence my maternal grandparents had on me – but I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t reveal they also had a hand in punishment when I earned it.
My uncles and aunts, grandparents, teachers (most of whom knew my parents), and family friends never felt a second of hesitation of correcting me when they saw me doing anything they knew my parents would not want me doing. That’s not “community parenting” in the sense the progressives think of children being owned by the collective, it was extra instruction and guardrails in accordance with values people external to my mom and dad new the family to hold.
That is where we must begin if we want to return to a time of common sense.
Like the family in the Abilene Paradox, our silence is setting us up for a trip none of us want to take.
In the mid 1980s when I was in my early 20s, I witnessed a similar incident on a subway bound for Brooklyn. My husband and I were taking it to visit a friend who attended Yale Divinity school with my husband.
At one stop a man got on who was bleeding profusely from his head. He quickly fell to the floor. Everything in me said to rush and help him . Our friend advised against it. I said no one is doing anything to help him. My friend said if you do, you could be the next target
Being from the Midwest and having been instilled with morality that wouldn't let me " do nothing," I went down the train cars until I found a conductor. I told him about the man. He radioed for police to be available at the next stop to get him to a hospital. They did. I don't know what happened to him after that.
I still get that eery, slightly quesy feeling when I think about no one helping that man and that I was told not to do so.
The "Don't you dare correct MY child" mentality has been going on for a long time now finally invading the small towns where parents do know each other and teachers do know parents. A culture change IS needed bringing back instant correction of bad behavior by young people when observed by anyone. Once the "old ways" become the norm, no one will object to their child being corrected instantly by anyone observing the bad behavior.
Ever larger school campuses does not help. A return to small local learning centers where all parents participate in some way will help return our society to days of community parenting you mention.
So, lets ask for more, smaller schools within walking distance and more 'lay' teachers helping out in the classroom and administrative offices and maintenance depts.